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Building A Cathedral Takes Time

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In Quietness and In Trust (Part 1)

29 Monday Aug 2016

Posted by Kate in Faith, Grace, Process

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Have you ever had a Bible verse rattle around in your head for years, divorced from its context, wreaking an insidious havoc?

It might be a promise lifted out of context which makes you question whether God really meant such things for you because your circumstance seem to prove it false. It may be a voice of condemnation which, separated from its passage, calls to you when you are at your lowest.

Sometimes they seem innocuous, and maybe you even knew the context at one time, but over the years only the ten-second sound byte remains, and it isn’t the whole truth.

“In quietness and trust would be your strength, but you would have none of it.”

At least that is how I remembered it.

It’s a verse from Isaiah 30, and not necessarily drawn from a passage that you want stitched on a sampler. It’s a passage with Assyrians and war, a passage that also refers to “an oracle on the beasts of the Negeb,” the kind that you might hop over as pertinent only it its original audience. But there are some (okay, many) parts of the passage worthy of any good Scripture memory program, and I also love Isaiah, so that’s probably how that one little partial verse got in there in the first place.

It starts off hopeful, in my mind…”in quietness and trust would be your strength.” I mean, who doesn’t want that kind of solid, secure, dignified strength?  Strong, dignified, trusting, quiet, that kind of simmering courage that is the stuff of world leaders.

Then the second part, as I remembered it: “but you would have none of it.” It’s not that part that isn’t correct; that’s the translation of the NIV.  There were two problems with the verse in my memory: the loss of an additional first half of the verse, and the use of “would” in the first part.  As in, here you go again, you would have all of this fabulous quietness and strength, but you blew it. You would have it, but you simply wouldn’t have it, and now you’re just going to have to fend for yourself. And even though I’m a pretty solid student of Covenant Theology, there is enough orphan left in me that lets that condemnation sit and rot.

So today I looked the verse up in all of its oracle context, and the Lord showed me something astounding.

That disembodied verse is only the beginning of the story.

Let’s start there, at the beginning, with a little more context, and let’s use the correct verb tense this time. And just for clarity, let’s quote from the good old ESV:

In returning (repenting) and rest you shall be saved;
    in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.
But you were unwilling, and you said,
“No! We will flee upon horses”;
    therefore you shall flee away;
and, “We will ride upon swift steeds”;
    therefore your pursuers shall be swift.

Three critical things. First, a quick aside: it all starts with repentance and rest. Kind of forgot about that part. But man, is that important. More on that in a moment.

Second,  it’s not I would have been saved through repentance and rest and made strong in quietness and trust and NOW I WON’T. Instead, I “shall be saved.” These things “shall be my strength.” The orphan didn’t blow it; the adopted child is still safe and secure. She just went on a detour.

Third, let’s look at the alternative presented right here. Now, I’m not sure if there is a better picture of busyness than “No! We will flee upon horses!” Right? Do you ever feel like your schedule is fleeing upon horses? And I’m not talking about a nice canter along the ocean with a setting sun. I’m talking about, I got on the horse, and someone slapped it before my feet were in the stirrups and now I’m holding on for dear life. It’s totally possible that I’m being dragged along behind.

Do you ever feel like that?

Okay, now I’m going to ask a harder question:

Why?

A friend looked me in the eyes at the beginning of the summer and asked a pointed question: “Why are you so driven?”

It wasn’t a typical, “Hey, aren’t you overscheduling a bit? Hey, maybe you need a vacation.” It was deeper.

I could have laughed it off–“Yep, us firstborns, non-stop action!” Or I could have brushed it aside with, “Hey, I have a lot of interests, and there are some great opportunities right now.” Because that’s not what he was asking. It was about my core. And what I heard was, “What are you running from?”

And that really is the question, isn’t it?

Those being addressed in Isaiah were enduring actual war. They were trusting in their horses and chariots to save them, because they had an actual enemy bearing down on them. And they needed God to save them, but they were too busy trying to save themselves. So God let them see how that was going to go for them. He let them reap the consequences of their trust in themselves.

A lot of the time, our schedules belie either a deep trust in ourselves, or a deep need to avoid hard questions. Or both.

I took my friend’s question to heart. And now I’m going to ask you.

If you are in a life going a thousand miles an hour, what are you running from?

Is it a memory too difficult to work through? Patterns of thought that will require a complete reworking of how you deal with people and the world? Is it a lie you’ve been living with that is so foundational that you can’t imagine your life without it? Are you running from quiet and silence because your thoughts are too loud when you are quiet and silent, demanding to be dealt with?  Or are you afraid to stop long enough to find out what it is that you are running from at all?

I get it.

And that is what struck me this time when I read this verse again.

Because here is the next part:

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him…you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you.

He waits. He waits to be gracious. He waits to show mercy until we cry to him, and in that moment, he hears and answers.

We run around, dragged by our horses, filling our schedules with activity to avoid the silence where we would meet with God. But he waits. He waits with grace and mercy. And when we stop and cry out, he answers.

Which leads us back to the very beginning: “In repentance and rest you shall be saved.” Stopping. Turning away from sin–including our idolatrous coping mechanisms to which we turn instead of turning to God–and resting in the completed work of Christ. Is there a better picture of the gospel than that?

We stop. We cry out. And we receive.

All of that quietness and trust. It’s right there. Gifts, with your name, my name, waiting to be opened. Not just once, but time and time again as I repent, turn to Christ, and receive grace.

In repentance and rest we will be saved. In quietness and trust shall be our salvation. And the one who offers it is big enough to help us to deal with whatever may arise out of the silence.

And that is not all.

But that is part 2.

 

Thoughts on Joy and Sorrow

07 Sunday Aug 2016

Posted by Kate in Faith, Process

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Tags

suffering

Sorrow
Like a shovel
Digging up the tender earth of my soul
Exposing that which lay hidden
Enlarging my heart

I wonder
Whether joy can create this kind of cavern
An inner space to be filled or emptied
Like a cave full of ocean
Ebbing and flowing
Could happiness ever so expand my heart
As this sorrow? 

I feel it growing
Deepening
Until my chest strains with the pressure
Ready to burst
Forming in me this new emptiness
Then receding, leaving new chambers
Ready to be filled 
With compassion perhaps
Or hope
Or even joy

 

I wrote this poem many years ago. Today, our guest preacher Scott Moore used the same analogy–sorrow as a shovel tilling the ground of our hearts–in his sermon on the Garden of Gethsemane. His point was the same as the one that came to my own soul those years ago: sorrow prepares a space for joy.

“For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right had of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2)   Christ prayed in the garden that the scorn and shame of the cross would be taken away–yet having chosen this path from the foundation of the earth, he also prayed that the Father’s will would be done. He pleaded for another option, but he was resolute in rescuing those he had been born to save. Angels ministered to him, strengthening him for the task at hand–not to flee from suffering, but to enter more fully into it, pressing through to the joy set before him. He endured the suffering because it was the only way for the joy to be made complete.

We suffer. Truth-tellers do not try to soften this reality; the gospel has room for suffering. We live in a broken world, and are broken, sinning and sinned against. We may not always be able to agree on what is sinful, but virtually everyone knows in his or her soul that there is right and wrong, and we long for justice. We long for wrong to be made right, and for the sad things to become untrue.

When we suffer, we may find that we become more compassionate. We find ourselves better able to relate to others who suffer. We may experience God’s very specific comfort which ministers to a specific part of our hearts. We have a renewed perspective on what is important.  We see redemption, and it gives our suffering meaning.

But there is another truth that begins to hint at another role that our suffering plays: “This light, momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18) Pause for a moment. Consider eternity.

I know, I know. Whenever something gets too difficult, some well-meaning old aunt will offer platitudes about the life to come that make you want to tear your hair out. I get it.

But just consider for a moment: our lives, all of this time we spend worrying about this year’s problems, are just the tiniest fragment of the eternal span of our lives. All of the years combined are the shortest imaginable blip. And yet this is a highly significant time for those who are in Christ: it is the only time in eternity that we will suffer. It is the only time we have to trust God in the midst of heartache, to do the hard, deep work of identifying lies that we have believed and turn instead to the truth. This is the only time we have to pray, to bring our troubled hearts before the Lord, to know his goodness in the midst of our pain.

There is a story, and your story and my story are part of it. When the full story is revealed, it will take eternity for us to tell of the wonders, to share all of the details and chapters and characters. It will be beyond what any of us could imagine now. And somehow, in some way, our current suffering is preparing a weighty glory.

And here’s the thing: that weighty glory is breaking through. When we turn to Christ in the midst of our suffering, he draws us in to the quality of life which is the hallmark of eternity. After all, when Jesus prayed for us all before his death and resurrection, he defined eternal life not as a quantity of life, but as a quality of life: “And this is eternal life, that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.” (John 17:3) That is something we can know now. And what makes this little chapter of our story different from the chapters to come is that right now, we can know Christ in the midst of suffering, and watch as he uses it to enlarge our hearts, as he redeems it, and as he fills those newly-made caverns with his joy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Multipotentialite. Or, People Whose Resumes Are a Little Wierd for LinkedIn.

13 Friday Nov 2015

Posted by Kate in Process, Writing

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Work

I have a variety of journals dating back to the age of six. And if you thumb through them, you will find a spiral staircase of answers to the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

A teacher was first. A mother. A singer. Later, an advertising executive, an illustrator, an author. An English professor. A history professor. A writer.

I was the kid who spent hours in my room writing and drawing, folding a stack of white paper and stapling the inside to make a book, then filling page after page with poems. I sang before I could talk, and started learning piano when I was six. I loved science. I was writing basic programs for our computer when I was ten or eleven.

 I loved history. I would check out so many library books that the bungee cord on the back of my bike would strain to hold them as I rode up the long hill home. Oh, yeah, and among them were dictionaries and thesauruses…thesauri.

I checked out thesauri from the library. More than one. More than once.

I loved all of the subjects. But I knew that one day I would specialize. After all, that’s what we do, right? It never really occurred to me that you could have all the jobs.
Back in the 1830’s, it was not like that that. Not in America, anyway. Generalists were valued. Knowing about many things was expected. Drawing lines between many fields of study was a worthwhile pursuit.

Then came specialization.

You can’t fully blame Darwin or Dewey, but everyone of significance seemed bent on specialization. After all, it was the way of progress! And indeed, only a deep dive into certain subjects would bring about the advances in medicine and science and technology.

But what about those who walk the line between disciplines, who skate from one to another, who survey across the lines from above to observe connections and find fresh ideas between the fields of study?

In college, I finished one major by my junior year, so I added another: Renaissance Studies. It was a major that barely existed, an interdisciplinary major comprised of courses in history, art history, literature, drama…so perfect. I loved it. And the inevitable, “So, what are you going to do with…”

Teach. I’m going to teach. I will be an English Professor.

My professors recognized my passion. I became a Phi Beta Kappa and graduated with my double degree, then packed up my red Ford Escort and moved three thousand miles away to go to graduate school. I undertook a field of study designed to give me the historical context for the literature and drama I loved…and then I fell in love with history.

I will be a History Professor!

I graduated with my master’s degree in church history and moved home.

Or, I could tell it this way: I moved to Boston, and I met fascinating people. I spent hours in museums, studying art. I learned Latin and French. I spent a year writing a thesis drawing the connections between theology and drama and history. I drove a ninety-year-old opera singer down to the Longy School of Music once a week and basked in her stories of life on three or four continents. I became her friend. I was the one she called when her beloved cat Figaro died one snowy afternoon. She gave me a few opera lessons.

I led music for chapel. I grew as a musician, as a worship leader. I endured some very hard times, and out of that I wrote an entire album of songs. I gave a two-hour concert of original music–“Bravissima,” said Mrs. Irving–and then I graduated. I packed up my keyboard, and I moved home.

Both accounts are correct. I became more interdisciplinary.

Back in California with a growing number of degrees, I took a temp job. And then I was hired to do a multidisciplinary job: I came on staff at a church and became the pastor’s assistant. I wrote Bible studies, created PowerPoint presentations, was a sounding board, and was involved with leading the music. I wrote more songs. When the worship pastor went on sabbatical, I led the high school choir and led the music every week.

I am a musician.

And then Westmont called.

I had put in my resume a year earlier. An instructor was going on sabbatical. Would I like to teach the introduction to the history of Christianity?

Of course I would! I will be a history professor!

350 students passed through my lecture course over the next three years. I lectured for two hours twice a week. I loved my students. I loved lecturing, because it meant telling stories. My goal was to embody enthusiasm for history, for the people and the times. To tell their stories. And most of my students loved the stories, too.

This is it, right? But now I need another degree, because I can’t keep teaching at this level with a lonely little Master’s degree.

So, I got a fellowship to Fordham University.

Off to New York City.

Is there a place on earth better suited to a Multipotentialite?

Okay, let me define. A what?

Multipotentialite.

Nope, didn’t know the word existed before today. Then I watched this Ted talk and I felt like I had found my people. Someone who does not have one passion, but many. Who moves from one deep area of interest to another, who walks on the edges of the disciplines.

Back to New York.

As I began to trudge toward my doctorate in history, I looked around and started to feel uneasy. My colleagues had been working for years, heads down in the library. And I respected them. But as I studied art and literature and history, my own interdisciplinary loves bubbled up again. I spent time with new people, including a fascinating young press rep who was destined to be my husband. We went to plays and heard jazz musicians, and I soaked up the beauty of the City. I kept working, balancing the study of two languages with many other classes and massive amounts of reading. I spent my ten hours a week in the medieval studies office, creating newsletters and managing databases and working o the website. I learned to distill vast quantities of thought into several bullet points. I honed my listening skills. I continued to explore the edges of my studies, where art and literature met theology and history, and found some kindred spirits.

But I realized that it wasn’t all I wanted.

I was at one of the top schools in the nation for my field. This was the path I had been traveling for a number of years…only to give up?

I don’t give up.

But the more I thought, prayed, talked to my now-fiancé, the clearer it became: the path I was on required that I sacrifice a number of other parts of who I was becoming, and I couldn’t do that. I was still an artist. A musician. A writer, a singer, a songwriter. And even though my studies were interdisciplinary, there was no margin for the rest of who I was.

When you are a type-A, it can be difficult to be a Multipotentialite.

But it is possible.

So I moved to the next thing.

And the next.

In the dozen years since I finished that second Master’s and let go of academia, I have lived a number of lives. It’s not a tidy list. And grouping the mass of these actives together makes me feel like I look scattered and uncommitted. I’m neither…well, I am not uncommitted. So, my unorthodox resume which does not feel like it would fit in on LinkedIn:

  • I taught sixth grade.
  • I became a mother.
  • I taught piano, with two prodigies among my students.
  • I ghostwrote a book.
  • I wrote my first journal article for Modern Reformation.
  • I started a MOPS group.
  • I led more music and wrote more songs…but a lot fewer after I had kids.
  • I started creating hand-painted photography.
  • I started making portraits.
  • I taught music at a school for three years.
  • I started being paid for making portraits.
  • I mentored young women.
  • I edited a woman’s memoirs.
  • I became the music director at our church.
  • I edited a medical mystery.
  • I became a professional photographer.
  • I opened my first business.
  • I started designing websites.
  • I recorded two webinars.
  • I opened my second business.

When my mom was my age, she went back to school and became a reading specialist, and then she went on and got her doctorate in Educational Psychology.

I always thought that would be my path.

But instead I became a businesswoman. I go to networking groups and listen to endless podcasts on being an entrepreneur. I hired my first assistant. I am launching a third component of my business in the spring.

But you know what?

I am still a storyteller.

When I was little, I wrote stories. And now I tell the stories of families through portraits. And I tell the stories of small businesses through websites. And every Sunday, I tell the redemption story as I lead the beautiful congregation of Pinewoods in worship.

God is a Multipotentialite. Well, no, not potential. He actually does all the things.

And I am made in His image.

So I fit right in, after all.

Building A Cathedral Takes Time

05 Friday Jul 2013

Posted by Kate in Process

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Tags

journal, kids, parenting, process, progress

There was a great story circling Facebook a few months ago.

You can picture her easily. She is a mom with a college degree who has chosen to stay home with her posse of small children. A few years ago, her life was characterized by lectures and long discussions over cups of strong coffee. She wrote and read and analyzed and penned compelling reviews of her favorite books.

Now she feels lucky when she is able to string two coherent thoughts together. If she bothered to update her Goodreads account, it would list the titles of books that are less than ten pages long and made of cardboard. But she wouldn’t trade her new life for anything in the world.

Anyway, one day this mom’s friend returns from a fabulous tour of Europe. And after sharing with their group of friends some of the highlights of her trip, she pulls out a gift for her stay-at-home friend. The giftwrap and ribbon fall away to reveal a coffeetable book richly illustrated with photos of the most beautiful cathedrals in Europe.

The friend explains that the young mom is like a cathedral builder. The days are long, and sometimes it’s hard to see what you’re building. But at the end of a lifetime there will be some thing beautiful; something bigger than yourself that you have helped to shape.

I really resonated with that story. I think it is a helpful reminder not only to mothers of young children, but to any of us who are chipping away daily at tasks that are both mundane and profound–mundane up close, profound when viewed from a distance. We spend our hours in the care and nurture of small people or aged people or students or coworkers or each other, iron sharpening iron, sometimes in minute detail. We may have a life goal of becoming more like Christ, watching our own progress and sometimes observing none until we look far over our shoulders. We may invest, day by day, in the child whose attitude seems never to change or the teenager who does not seem to be listening, only to discover decades later that ours were shaping words.

The cathedral builder chipped away at a stone, set it in its place, and those single stones stacked one atop another formed a cathedral. Sometimes it took a lifetime.  Sometimes it took five.  But it all started with a raw stone, and a mason, and a chisel. It started with hard work and diligence.

So, what are your raw stones?

Mine are my kids and my husband, I can see that.  We shape one another in how we speak to each other, how we encourage one another.  We have so much growing ahead of us.

I survey other stones strewn about.  Well, there is my own life, my goals for myself, my artistic pursuits.  What am I working on that will benefit those around me? How are my pursuits shaping my own heart and soul?

Raising my eyes above my own family and my self, I am working to shape the community around me.  It’s something I get to do nearly every week as I usher God’s people into his presence through music at our church.  I want us to behold God and to marvel at God, to wonder at the Cross, to be brought low in confession and raised up in forgiveness and have hearts open to the Word of God preached.  I want our small chapel of living stones to be raised into something that brings God glory and delight and joy.  I want our little part of the Kingdom of God to reflect him brighter than the moon reflects the sun when its full and gleaming.  I want to be part of shaping that.  Music is one of our tools.

There are other tools I have used more frequently in the past, and I long to take up again.  Methods of study, disciplines of thought and writing, tools that shape me and my community.  Where did I put those tools?  I am sure they are here somewhere.

I am interested in your tools, your raw stones, your vision.  Have you caught a glimpse of what you are building?  What have you learned in the process?

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